Munch
Saturday, January 28, 2012
The Paseo
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The Box
Friday, November 20, 2009
His thoughts were still wide awake.
Jack got out of his bed, turned on the light and walked towards the shelf where the box was.
It stood steady and peaceful. As he opened the lid of the box, waves of memories came crashing against the shore of his unsettled mind. His fingers ran through several mementos until alas, he felt the smooth edges of the letter he was looking for.
Jack stared at it for a little while. The colour of the envelope has faded at its corner. Ever so gently, he pulled out the letter within and patiently unfolded it. He took a deep breath and began to read it.
Reading the letter felt as if time stood still. The past, the present and the future seemed to intertwined into one, spiralling him down into a warp of distant memories and afterthoughts. He felt his heart beat raced across a battle field of emotions and his eyes fighting against the tears of regrets.
Regrets.
Flipping through the pages of the letters did not right the wrongs neither did it change the past nor the future. It did nothing. Jack was empty. He was nothing.
Jack folded the letter and puts it back into the envelope. As he was about to cover the box with the lid, he noticed the photo of the person he once knew...
"I miss you," Jack whispered as he finally covers the box.
When the threat of hurt comes hurling towards us
and in the process of protecting ourselves from that
- in another words, in the process of being selfish -
we think it wise to let go of those things,
causing hurts that would last a life time to the
things or people we presumably treasure with all our heart.
Sometimes, it's better to march forth towards the arrows of hurt as naked as we came,
as vulnerable as we can be and as selfless as love should be,
then to lose grip of the precious gems of our lives.
Circumstance
Monday, July 27, 2009
Jack took his bottle of water in one hand and in the other, his towel.
The heat of his body waved across him from head to toe.
As he walked out of the gym, drips of sweat trickled down, following his footprints ever so closely.
He stepped out of the gym, closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Silence was his friend at that very moment.
The sound of nothingness seemed to be whispering words of comfort.
He kept his eyes closed as he felt tears swelling up behind his eyelids.
He closed them tight, long enough to persuade his tears back within its rightful abode.
He opened his eyes and released a gentle sigh.
Jack found himself standing in the opening of a vast clear night.
"Give me courage... That's all I asks," he whispered.
Jack seldom gets himself in such position.
There were times, undoubtedly, that he felt incompetent and inadequate but this time, this time it was different.
The load of it all seemed much heavier than before, it seemed to be pressing him down a whole lot harder.
Hard enough for him to feel his spirit within crush.
His spirit was broken.
Jack felt the grip of what he held on to so dearly for that brief moment slip away, spiralling downwards to the pits of discouragement.
His strength totally attenuated by the sheer reality of his weakness.
He feels completely frustrated at himself, frustrated for his lackness.
Truth be told, he is concern about the efficacy of his presence more than anything else.
It seems to him that he is doing more harm than good.
Only He can speak some sense into him at such times.
Jack took another gulp of water.
He could feel the water flow down ever so slowly in his body, gradually, cooling off the heat within.
Jack has never come this close to giving up.
What exactly is holding him back? He thought to himself.
Nothing.
Nothing is holding him back.
Nothing, but only the desire of his heart.
Although the stark reality has somewhat distorted his dream, his desire is still intact.
Though his spirit is broken, his desire is restoring the pieces.
Circumstances have impeded him from moving forth, but only for a little while will Circumstance dance in victory.
Jack stared into the clear night sky.
Stars were shining ever so brightly and he can almost hear them say to him,
“Take courage, my friend. Hope is with you.”
He smiled to himself at the ridiculous thought of Stars talking to him.
“Only a little while will Circumstance dance in victory. And his time is up.”
Jack closed the lid of his bottle, wiped the sweat off his forehead with his towel, turned around, took a deep breath, turned the door knob and stepped back into the gym.
The Commander
Monday, June 22, 2009
"Boys, you got em' directions clear?", the commander of the 7th troop threw his husky voice aloud to his fellow men for the final time before the battle began.
"Sir, yes, sir!", the resounding reply came from the soldiers in unison. All but one replied in confidence. That soldier, with sweat pouring down his forehead, seemed to have an air of clumsiness around him. His helmet wasn't neatly placed on his head, he wore an oversized uniform and his left shoe lace was left untied.
"What's ya' name, son?", the commander probed him sternly.
"Er... Jack.... Sir...", he answered nervously, trying his best to act calm.
"You ain't clear about em' directions, eh?"
"No... No, sir... I'm clear, sir... Just.. Just a little nervous, sir."
"Nervous? Son, let me tell ya' something about being nervous. You will forever be nervous if ya' ain't gettin' your butt into that battlefield out there. Standin' here sure won't help a thing. It will just prolong ya' fear. Answer me, do ya' trust my directions, son?
"..... I guess so, sir..."
"I guess so? Nah, son. You don't trust me. That's ya' problem. Until ya' learn to trust my directions and orders, only then will ya' be able to overcome your fears. C'mon son, have a little faith in me! Faith is what will take you from here to there!"
The commander gave the soldier a tough pat at the back and then walked off into his tent.
The soldier stood there in silence. He thought about what his commander said. He stood at ease, shifting his rifle down on the ground. From where he stood, he could see the enemies' walls standing tall and seemed almost impenetrable. He took a deep breath while he stretched his arms upwards.
Trust? How can I trust when I see my enemies' fortress standing before me every morning. Faith? In who, or what for that matter, can I place my faith? My rifle? My helmet? I'm in a war zone for goodness sake!
He took off his helmet and looked at it. There were many scratches on it, scarred by previous wars.
How long can I actually rely on this burnt out helmet of mine anyway? It's been through a lot and I don't know how much longer it will hold. Maybe commander is right. The core problem is that I don't trust. I mean, to be honest, his directions aren't the most logical ones. For pete's sake, even his route of escape seems irrational. What the heck is he thinking? Trust him?
He sat down on the ground accompanied by his rifle. The rifle seemed to give him a sense of security only but a brief moment. He stared at his rifle.
Indeed, you saved my arse one too many times. Again, I can't rely on you all the time. What happens if you ran out of bullets? What then? You've served me well, my friend, but you're just not it. You can kill my enemy but you can't kill my fear.
C'mon son, have a little faith in me! Faith is what will take you from here to there.
The voice of his commander played in his head like an old recorder. He knew deep down inside, his commander was right. He lacked faith in himself and in his commander. That's the real wall that's standing between him and his enemies' gate. So long as he trudge into war without the conviction of trust, he knew he wasn't going to last long in the battlefield. Bullets will come flying in, blood will be spilled and fear will strike the heart. Amid all this, the only rational thing to do is ironically, to do the most irrational thing - to trust and to trudge forward.
My helmet and rifle will fail me one day and that one day could be this very hour. But I am a soldier. My commander is my guide and in him I shall place my trust. Though I may be wounded as I fight my way through the enemies walls, faith is what will keep me going. The walls are closing in and the challenges ahead seem almost insurmountable. But in the stillness, I can hear him commanding, spurring, and pushing me forth into battle!
Just then, the first ray of sunlight broke the sky and touched his skin. He felt a sense of awakening and serenity beyond him. Jack stood up, embraced the sunlight and with his rifle and helmet left on the ground, he walked towards the commander's tent.
"Sir, I'm ready."
Changed
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Jack ran his fingers across a stack of photo albums and randomly picked one out.
As he browsed through each photo, he smiled to himself as images of those photos brought back an alarming amount of memories he thought he had long forgotten.
It seemed so long ago.
"Gosh... She looks the same", he thought to himself.
Then he came upon one particular photo that caught his eyes.
His finger, the one that was guiding the pages of the album paused momentarily.
Slowly and steadily his finger slid down towards that picture.
Jack carefully pulled that picture out of its resting place and stared hard at it.
At first, his thoughts were empty. His mind wandered in pitch black darkness.
He looked at that picture with great intense and gradually, a million words came in to fill the blanks.
But one word stood out the most.
Change.
"Change... You've changed my friend...", he whispered as if the person in the photo was alive.
His eyes began to watered.
No matter how people try to console and convince themselves that they are the same person from yesterday, the fact still remains that they aren't.
People change.
People may look the same - same features, same smile, same distinct nose and same eyes - yet, something within them creates a whole new being over time.
Time produces change.
Change is inferior to time.
Ultimately, humans are inferior to change.
Change can be a good thing or a bad thing.
The scary thing is of course, if it turns out to be the latter.
But the scariest thing about that is this;
Contrary to what most believe, when you know a person too well, the changes are actually harder to detect and that is what makes it so frightening.
When we know a person too well, we become comfortable with who they are and in the midst of such complacency, we somehow brush aside the little changes they choose to undertake.
People begin to mitigate the power of change and before they know it, it blows right in front of their face.
A hairline crack becomes a full broken bone.
It's a sad thing really, Jack thought to himself in an almost sympathetic way.
The tears in his eyes were still forming but not enough for them to find its way down his cheeks.
"You've changed", he said it again.
He took a deep gasp of air and pulled himself together.
As he held the photo in his right hand, he took a final glance at it in his somewhat nostalgic and yet pensive mood.
Before he slid the photo back into its rightful frame, intuitively or not, something triggered him to flip the photo around.
And there he saw how old the person was.
At the back of the photo, on the bottom right corner, scribbly handwritten faded black-inked words read,
20 years old.
Shattering Rain
Monday, December 15, 2008
The rain was beating harder than ever against the window pane.
Jack stood about an inch away from the window, peeping outside, squinting his eyes as if it would help clear his vision of the blurry image outside.
He's late.
He's usually not late, Jack thought to himself.
Just as Jack turned away from the window to get another sip of his coffee, he heard the engine of a car stop outside his house.
He's here.
Jack quickly took another sip of the coffee and put on his coat.
As he opened the door, the whirling of the wind surprised him.
He felt the cold rain spat against his face.
He hastenly locked the door behind him, upturned his collar and quickly dashed for the car.
"Phewwww... The rain's pouring really hard outside..."
Jack spoke while brushing off his already soaked hair.
"She's gone, Jack".
Jack sensed something was wrong.
He turned towards Kevin and realized tears was flowing down his cheek.
In that moment, the beating of the rain became silent.
The cold air turned warm.
Everything stood still.
"What happened?"
Kevin relate the story.
Jack listened.
Jack knew the feeling. That all too familiar feeling.
All he could do was to listen.
He knew it was something Kevin will need to go through.
"Why... why...?"
Kevin asked in bitterness.
Jack looked at him with no answer to offer.
All he could do was to listen.
The car remained silent.
Gloom pervaded the air, beclouding the world outside into a formless image.
Jack knew the feeling.
That all too familiar feeling.
Shattering rain, won't you go away?
A Space
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I'm sitting at the opposite end while I write this letter to you.
The space between us is filled with the sound of drizzling raindrops.
I can't say a word.
You can't see me.
So much to say.
As I sit here, I can feel the chilly breeze caress my face.
Gentle enough to soothe the strange bitterness in me.
But it's cold.
Love,
Jack
7 January 2007
Dear Lucy...
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Dear Lucy,
Hi there.
How have you been?
You didn't reply me the last time.
But it's ok.
The moment I set my mind to do what I did, I knew what I was getting myself into.
I've prepared to jettison the many romantic notions that I had.
Therefore, I know, I understand and I can accept the present.
I met Kevin a while back and he asked me if I ever was going to tell you.
I thought for about a week.
I decided not to.
Why?
You know as well as I do that things will probably never be the same.
I don't plan to embitter you again, nor embittered by you.
The pain you feel, I felt it too.
The smile that you fake, I faked it too.
So you see, we aren't very much different.
Just so you know,
I thought of you.
Yours truly,
Jack
P.S: There's still a stash of letters I've written that hasn't been posted out to you.
Eventually.... Maybe.
Silence
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
There was a strange quietness in Jack's mannerism.
He sat across them, sipping his coffee while reading his book intently or so it seemed.
Across him, Anne and Matt were conversing in delight over matters that were beyond Jack’s field.
They had each other, he had his book.
He read the book... dismantling his thoughts bit by bit.
He rarely gets angry, never curses (well, almost never), stays out of fight, takes criticism reasonably well and he loves fishing.
Jack was the epitome of patience.
Having said that, of course there were times when he did almost lose it.
In his quietness though, Jack knew he was losing it.
Matt cracked a joke.
Anne was laughing hysterically.
They were both in their own world that somehow shunned him out.
Jack noticed from the corner of his eyes yet he never moved an inch from neither his seat nor his book.
He continued reading.
Jack understood the mechanics of how it should be, how they should be.
He understood that by stepping into this new territory, there is an unsaid law that needs to be followed by both allies.
Failing to do so meant pernicious consequences.
Jack knew the borderline and he never crossed it.
He has always kept his distance.
He kept the code of conduct because he believed in it and he respected it.
Deep down inside, it was hard for him.
There were times he needed to reject others when he didn’t want too.
There were times he needed to say no when he wanted to say yes.
But above all these hardships, he was determined to do it because he knew his and understood his responsibilities.
The door swung opened.
Tim walked in the cafeteria.
As he approached the table, Jack once again caught a glimpse of what was happening.
Tim stopped at their table, greeted Anne and sat down beside her.
Jack noticed the slight attraction that wasn't meant to be conspicuous but somehow, he noticed.
Perhaps it was his jealousy that sprung up this instinctive awareness.
He continued reading with poise.
All he wanted was to feel special.
Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t.
There were times when he felt extraordinary from the rest.
But there were also times when he felt normal, just like the rest.
Still, he could bear with all these.
What he couldn't bear, however, was how that sacred law that was suppose to be kept between them has been broken over and over again.
"Can't she see it? Why is she doing this to me?” Jack thought to himself.
He kept his distance.
"Hey, would you wanna catch a movie with me?” Tim asked.
"When?” Anne replied.
"Now... If you can't its fine you know".
"Yea... Sure... Sure! I'm pretty free".
Jack eavesdropped.
They were going out together.
In just few seconds, Jack could hear the door clanged against the metal door frame and before he knew it, they were gone.
He sat still and briefly looked around the cafeteria for once.
Then he continued reading the book at which point he was at the last page.
The last line in his book read,
"... in his silence, he lived and died a million times over".
The Wind
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Jack stood at the edge of the cliff with great admiration of the scenic view he possessed from where he was.
The waves were crushing against the rocks below him and beyond the horizon, he noticed the sun was just about to rise.
The gentle draft awakens his senses to a million volts... Something he has not felt for a very long time.
As he stood there, he recalled his last visitation to that place.
It was a long time ago- a time when he was still close to his dad.
He would go up to that cliff, at the exact spot he was standing, and while seating on his father's shoulders they would both enjoy the sheer wonders of nature.
Serenity of no other kind.
He has made many awful decisions in his life.
That was probably why he hasn't hiked up this cliff -
Too many regrets, too many painful experiences and not even the perfect picture of Mother Nature could paint them white, he thought to himself.
What brought him back here then?
Not too long ago, he gave up his dream job.
He couldn't take all the corruption any longer.
He could no longer serve them.
That was his single best decision he's made after so many years.
But above everything else, he misses his dad dearly.
Despite all his putrid past, yet here he was again.
Just one wise decision, that's all it took.
He felt that peace he longed for.
A peace he felt when he was seating on his father's shoulder.
That assurance.
The wind spoke.


