Climbing

The past 3 weeks have been both an exciting and tiring adventure. I ended the month of May with a 10 days mission trip to Manila, Philippines. Upon my return from the mission trip, I had to pack up for my church camp. Immediately after my church camp, I was off to Singapore together with the students and teachers of the school in which I'm coaching floorball for. Coming back from Singapore, I had to drive back down to KL the following day for another floorball competition. And finally, I'm now back in the premise of my small little rented Penang room. 

Phew! 

In the rush of time, there's always that short spurt of divine moment where a sudden thought, conjure out of no where, sets into motion a roller coaster ride for the soul. I had those moments numerous times in the past 3 weeks, especially during those long traveling rides be it in an airplane, bus or car. Those seemingly nothing-to-do traveling period turns out into a thought-provoking nightmare. Gah. Okay, maybe nightmare is a bit over-exaggerating but you get the point. 

The whole area of fear has been one thing that's been on my mind. 

Yes, fear.

3 out of 4 trips in the past 3 weeks, I encountered in one way or another one of my main fears - the fear of heights. In the Philippines during the mission trip, I was at the balcony of a high-rise building overseeing the city of Manila and I remember having the conversation of the fear of heights with my other team mates there. I remember standing at the edge of the balcony feeling my knees going somewhat wobbly. Then in my church camp, I had to cross over a suspension bridge and did a little wall climbing. In Singapore, we went to Orchard road where one of the shopping malls there had an outdoor escalator that goes really quite high up. In all occasions, I remember thinking to myself "I hate myself for having this fear". Gah. It's like having a flu that just doesn't go away. What's worst is when people make fun of it. Not very nice at all. 

Where exactly am I going with this you wonder? As I reflected about this and in relation to my other aspect of life, I see that I've always feared the idea of going, growing and climbing myself to a greater height. I fear the idea of hanging on to a rope and scale the wall of relationships, responsibilities, ambitions, dreams, confrontations and challenges. My knees go all wobbly just thinking about losing the security of the ground below me. The sheer thought of ending up just falling into rejection, failure, disagreement and pain terrifies my soul completely. I hate myself for having this fear. 

God knows what's best for each of us in our most fear-struck moment. Likewise, I know He has a great plan for me even when I feel like I'm losing ground, losing security. He has already charted the route in which I must climb. He ensures that the rope is secure as He has gone before me. Yet, knowing and doing requires two different actions altogether. 

Knowing requires wisdom and attentiveness, doing requires faith and action. 

Teach me, Lord, to climb even when I fear of 

losing ground below me, 

losing my security.

Teach me, Lord, to climb even when I feel my hands are wearing out.  

Teach me, Lord, to place my feet upon the rock of Christ Jesus. 

Teach me, to let go but to let You lead me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord, 

he turned to me and heard my cry, 

He lifted my out of the slimy pit, 

out of the mud and mire; 

he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

Psalm 40: 1-2