I was lost, but now am found.

I'm not the holiest person in the world.
(What a way to begin an entry.)

Most of us have taken that 'forbidden' road at some points of our lives in many different forms.
There are things that I've done that I'm not particularly proud off.
Yet, I don't curse myself for having gone through them.
Given a second chance at it, of course I would strive to undo those deeds.
But deep down, I'd like to believe that those events, good or bad, were phases of 'refinement' in which I needed to go through.
To a certain degree, it was those events that has helped shape me the way I am today.
Looking back, I can only thank God for seeing me through those seasons.

I've stumbled many people at many points in my life and it ranges from many degrees.
I used to claim myself as one who was on a road of 'self-exploration'.
A phase I truly convinced I was on especially back in university.
You see, being far away from home, freedom was the biggest pull at that time.
With the freedom I possessed, I misuse it.
Freedom is a powerful thing, it can work for you or it can work against you.
I struggled to find myself and had to live with a double lifestyle.
By night I was this bad boy on the loose and by day, I found myself masking my alter-ego.
I was trying to discover who I was back then; wanting to discover what it would take to feel belong, what it would take to reach out to certain group of people, what it would feel like to be 'true' to myself...

The irony of it all is this -
As much as I convinced myself that I was on this road of 'self-exploration', the truth was that it got me nowhere at all.
Did I discover anything profound about myself or receive some sort of 'enlightenment' in the end?

No, I didn't.

Self-exploration got me nowhere, just further away from who God wanted me to be and ultimately, further away from Him.
So often, we kid ourselves with all sorts of excuses simply to run away from God.
We even dare convince ourselves with that loosely used sentence, 'it's okay what'.

Self-exploration' is one of them.
I'm not saying that self-exploration is wrong in itself.
It is not.
Likewise is drinking alcohol and so on.
"Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial".
The real question isn't so much of whether or not we can/should or cannot /should not do something, but more so of to what expense are we doing them for?

I excused my actions back then by saying to myself,
"Aiya, nevermind lar... I want to try try only ma... Exploring only... Nothing wan wert..."
When I said those words, they reflected my true motive -
It was clearly self-centred.
And the most heartbreaking moment is the point where you come head to head with the realization of what you've actually given up to be selfish -
I did what I did, said what I said, excused myself from it all at the expense of God's name.

When Paul urged the believers in Corinthians not to stumble others, he simply meant never do something at the expense of God's name.
Often, as believers, we say to one another "don't do something that may cause others to stumble".
The bigger picture isn't so much about whether we stumble the people around us or not, although it does matter significantly, but more so, whether or not in whatever we do, do we actually bring glory back to God?

If it's that, then really, it's not just about the things that we shouldn't do but also the things that we can/must do that we need to be aware of.
Paul said, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God".
Even in doing the necessities of our daily lives, we need to do them in ways that will please Him and glorify Him.
Now, isn't that a greater challenge?

A sentence that ends with '... at the expense of God's name' brings nothing but victory to Satan.
And that's exactly how it was with me.
Those "exploratory" period, as I'd call it, was nothing but an excuse for me to hide myself away from Him.
My "exploratory" periods were inward minded, satifying only the self, hence, it was a selfish act, one in which I neglected God, putting Him on a shelf while I go on my 'wild' trip.

Ah, but that's the beauty of God's grace you see.
He receives you when you come running back to Him.
And that's what I did.
It's a choice I made.
I say it's a choice I made because on His part, He has decided to wait with His arms wide open for me a long long time ago.
I just didn't listen.
It's a choice that you may face in the near future, or maybe even right now in your current circumstances.
Listen and hear Him calling unto you.

Let me end this entry with my opening statement.

I'm not the holiest person in the world.
In spite of that, He receives me, as broken as I am, in arms wide open.
He continues to restore me, change me and even right now, use me for His purpose.
And you know what's amazing?
He does all this even though He knows...


I'm not the holiest person in the world.