A Faded Memory, A Lasting Experience

A new beginning lies ahead.

You see, the past couple of days have been insanely torturous.
Words simply cannot explain what I feel.
In fact, I don't even know what I feel any longer.
It's like having a splitting headache 24/7, the only difference is that it's the heart instead of the head.
As strong as I thought I would be, I wasn't.
As prepared as I was, I still broke down.
That's how harsh reality treats you; when it hits you, it hits you like a train.

I've been arranging my days to be as routine as possible.
Everyday begins with the same cycle... Well, on most days at least.
Reason being, I'm programming myself to be able to do things by myself all over again, a trait I once had but somehow lost along the way and also since now that all my friends are back in their hometown, it'd be something I have got to get use too sooner or later.
Not easy at all but I'm slowly adapting to it, just need a little more time.
Friends have been advising me not to do it especially since with all that has been happening, but I insisted that it's something I have to go through.
A long walk I just have to pace myself through.
Better face it now then hiding away from it.

People asked me, "Don't you feel angry at all?"
My honest answer?
I don't.
I really don't.
The truth is, there's no room left for anger and bitterness.
That space has been filled up with overflowing pain.
Disappointments.
The pain of knowing that it was never real.
I dislike harvesting grudge or anger when it comes to things like this.
I never contemplated standing in the way.
The choice was given and the choice was made.
So be it.

Some may even say I'm stupid to handle things the way I did, but I believe God assured me it was the right thing to do... though it hurts beyond words.
I truly believe that the Big Guy has been teaching me a whole lot about doing, saying and standing up for what is right through the course of these events.
And though doing the right thing doesn't neccessarily leave you with a happy ending, in fact, it leaves nothing but a deep scar, yet, you know it must be done His way.

It was simple really, honour Him and He will honour you - well, I don't see how He's honouring me right now but in time I believe He will.

The thing about me is that I'd rather bear the pain alone than to cause more pain to others.
As much as it hurts right now, I guess I was brought up and taught to always put others first.
Being Sacrificial - It's both a strength and a weakness.

I knew that this would be the last straw.
As long and as far as I've been holding on to it, it was now time to let it go.
Knowing and doing is a whole different thing.
I know I must let it go, but it's so hard to do.
You wouldn't understand.
It was from everything to nothing.
One cannot overcome all this overnight.
Eventually, I know I can...
I must.

I was telling a friend how idealistic I was throughout this period.
That was probably the drive that has kept me going for the past 3 months or so.
I had an ideal rosy picture of how I could make a difference, how I could be the one to transform certain things, how I could be the source of joy, how I could be the comforting companion, how I could be that very person who can light up the day when everything else goes wrong..
That very person, I wanted to be...
But the reality that I didn't want to see was this -
I never was that person in the first place.
Never had been.
And that's a truth that will need to live with.

Was it then worth all my energy and my commitment, I asked myself?
My answer is without a doubt,
"Yes, it was."

Why?
Because I simply did it out of love, nothing else.
When you do something out of love, it will always be worthwhile.
It will always be satisfying no matter what the outcome may be.
As painful as how things turned out to be, it showed me my very capacity to love.

How can I feel this way with everything going against me?

Because He first loved me and I love Him.
God is Love and He taught me how to love.
In spite of everything, love still does exist.

As I move on and close this chapter of my life, I believe I've learnt and gained a whole lot out of it.
Good or bad, it's still a lesson to be taken note.
However, I can assure you that it is hard.
I know it's just something I will need to face, no matter how much people advise or try to comfort me, it's just a phase that I will need to see myself through.
I was talking to a friend who went through similar experience and she said, one's physical and emotional state can only contain so much pain for a period of time.
Yes you'll cry your eyes out but once you've passed that stage it'll be alright.
You'll survive.

I know there's a purpose in all this.
There's a lesson.
There's a blessing.
There's a beautiful tomorrow.
There's a new beginning.

In all its ugliness, God still paints beauty into the picture.
You just gotta look at the right spot.

*An entry I wrote quite a while back but never publish it because the timing wasn't right.*