Lost in the Rain

It rained torridly today.

While others were still nicely cuddling in bed, I was seating in front of a computer, finishing up my in-house training programme.

Bleh.

Anyway, I decided to have a little bit of some me-time this afternoon.
So I took a drive out, away from my working premise to have my lunch - just me, myself and I.

Did a lot of thinking about my current state of life and what the Big Guy is doing.
Somehow, I just couldn't tally things up.

I choose to believe that God is one who "disciplines" instead of carrying out "punishment".
I want to believe that.
Looking at my present life, however, reflects otherwise.

Okay, I'm going to cut to the chase.

Things hasn't been sunny for me.

I live in a real world and in a real world, like it or not, there are problems.

Similarly, as much as I'm going to church, serving here and serving there, I still struggle in my personal life.

If there's one thing I learnt in life is that lying to God is really not the worst case scenario.

Lying to yourself, however, is the most painful mistake you can ever make.

So I ain't gonna lie to myself and say I'm a holy joe or such cause I'm not.

I confess straight out I'm struggling.

Anyway,as hard as it may be to go through a difficult period, I find that it's actually much harder to believe that God is not punishing us but He's disciplining us by putting us in that predicament.

I have a biblical reason to believe so.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ,

who walk not after the flesh, but after the spirit".

Romans 8:1

It's pretty straight forward.

The thing is this;

Being the sinful person that I am, I have the tendency to think that God is punishing me instead.

As I was driving to lunch, I thought about that.

"Why do I feel so helpless?"

"Why are these things happening?"

"What have I done?"

"Is He punishing me?"

The pass few days had been rather "depressing" in the sense that I feel so lost.

Yes, I'm lost.

I realised that somehow in the course of adamantly wanting to stick to certain commitments, I have failed to see the many signboards on the road.

In a very cynical way, today's weather kinda mirrored my unseen life - gloomy and rainy.