Refreshed

I was so bored in my room I went through some of my old blogs.
Man, it brought back so many memories and stirred me up emotionally.
That's the thing about blogging, sometimes you blog and blog and blog but you never actually take time to look back and the things you blog about.
And when you actually do, it's really quite refreshing and nostalgic of course.
Here are some entries that I've posted that are really close to my heart.

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This one's called "First Love".
It was dedicated to my high school "sweet heart".. Haha.
We're best friends now so yea, it's all good.

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I had a chat with a friend about our First Love.
You know, that moment in your life where you see this girl sitting in the canteen talking with her friends, and for some strange reason, everything around you starts to dissapear...
leaving nothing else, but only the sight of that girl in your eyes, sparkling like a diamond.

I'm a hopeless romantic, you say?

Admittedly, I am a hopeless romantic.
I am big sucker for romantic comedies.
Some say I'm a disgrace to the male species.
Like I care.
But it's true isn't it? What I've described.
Well, at least that was how I felt when I experienced my first love.

Let me give you a gist about my "love story".
You see, what I've described to you about seeing a girl in the canteen and all-well, I was that guy who saw that girl.

My First Love.

To cut the story short, throughout my secondary school life, she was the girl.
She was the motivation for me to wake up every single morning to go to school with a big smile on my face...
She was the reason why I pushed myself to study hard although it didn't really work la..
She was the reason.

She was the girl.

For five years, I was not willing to give up hope despite getting dumped a couple of times.
For five years, she was still that girl I saw at that canteen when everything else dissapeared, and only the sight of her was left in my eyes.
I never gave up hope...
until....

Well, to cut the story short, it didn't turned to be like in the movies, a fairy-tale ending with the cheesey "happily ever after" tag line...
However, some good did come out of it.

The girl and I?
Well, we are best of friends now.
She's still as childish and whacky.
And me?
Yea, sure I still like her- not in that way though.
In fact, I love her.
As a friend.
As a true friend who cares for her like a little sister.
Speaking of little sister, did I ever told you that I've always wanted a younger sister?
Oh well...

She's doing fine now.
She's got a boyfriend and I'm really happy for her so long as her boyfriend treats her good.
That's all I care about.
Despite everything that has happen between us, we are still who we are.
She is still that girl I saw at the canteen on that fateful day and I am still that guy who stared at her in amazement.
The only difference is...
my idea of First love has changed.

It's not about the outcome of the ending.
It's not about winning and swooning the girl to the aisle.
It's not about the courting and happy moments that counts.
It's about appreciating the love for a friendship that will last for eternity...

First Love always starts with a Friendship...
and ends with how it first begun...

Friendship.

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Here's one about smoking.

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We tend to judge smokers.
Well, I did.
I have many friends, good friends who are smokers now.
In fact, I just had supper with the whole bunch of them.
Seeing the opportunity I had, I asked one of my closer friends if it's actually hard to quit smoking.
Her answer was yes.
She says smokers who go boasting around that they can stop smoking are bunch of bulls*iters.

"It's not easy".

Very often, non-smokers would say or think,
"Haiyah... How hard can it be to stop smoking?? Just don't go buy a packet a ciggies lar... ish..."
But what we do not realize is that we too are like them.
We struggle with addictions as well, just in a different form.
Smokers don't enjoy being smokers.
They know the side effects of it.
To most of them, quitting is almost impossible.
That's the sad part.
They lack the strength to say no to smoking.
And there we are, raising our eye-brows and judging them.
Instead of judging, why not encourage.
Why not be there for them.
They may not quit anytime soon but let's assure them that when they
do decide to stop, we are there to make sure it happens.

Before we paid for our food, I overheard a brief conversation between that friend of mine and another friend who's not a smoker,

"Do you smoke?"
"No..."
"Have you tried?"
"Yea..."
"Do you like it?"
"Nah.."
"Good. Stay that way. Don't be like me"

And I saw her shook her head, in a very sad and regretful way.
I felt it.

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Oh, and here's a rather amateur attempt in putting those literature lectures to good use.
A poem entitled "The Walking Wounded".

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If only I could fill my heart,
with the beating of gallantry,
then, words will flow like streams of blood;
My soul longs for that victory,
one that is far beyond my reach;
how do I cross that battered bridge?

In this land of painful waiting,
my legs and hands are broken-down.
Still, I have faith of your coming;
dressed beautifully in a gown,
you'd take this rough resolute hands
As I dreamed it'd be in God's plan.

Down in the trench I close my eyes,
to blind myself from reality.
In this darkness I see the lies
the false hope of brutality.
The truth is you will never feel
for me whose heart to you I've sealed.

As billow of smoke fills the air,
I trudge my way towards that bridge,
my head low with eyes of despair,
hope, faith has died in that carnage,
nothing left in me but these tears
as the bridge I slowly draw near.

Here I stand on the other side,
scared and scarred of uncertainties.
From you and the world I must hide,
where no one hears, where no one sees
this man whose spirit is wounded,
by a love that's unrequited.

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This is an interesting one on the whole issue of playing Mr. Nice Guy.

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You know how sometimes you try so hard to be careful in every little way possible about things but at the end of it all, everything just comes crumbling down on you.
I've tried very hard to always do the right thing;
to be... urm...
Nice.
But funny how things can just backfire and hit you right in your face, real hard.
Then I would start thinking to myself,
"Why do I even bother being Nice in first place?"

It sucks big time.

You get nothing but pain in return.
My heart feels...
empty...
Like there's no more "niceness" left in me to be nice...

Then, here I am now.
Reminding myself the very reason to be nice.

Nice is about others,
and not about me.
Nice is about loving,
and not about being disappointed.
Nice is knowing that you will get hurt in return,
and yet, you still do it.

"Why do I even bother being Nice in first place?"

Simply because I love...

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A good friend told me not too long ago that I don't need to be nice.
What I've come to realize is that it never really was about being nice.
Truth of the matter is that it all boils down to our very own capacity to love.
Jesus prayed "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do" while he was on the cross being crucified by the very people whom He was praying for.
Why?
It was because of Love.
He could have chosen not to be "nice" but he didn't.
I chose to love just like He did.

There is indeed No Greater Love Than This.

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