I was lost, but now am found.

I'm not the holiest person in the world.
(What a way to begin an entry.)

Most of us have taken that 'forbidden' road at some points of our lives in many different forms.
There are things that I've done that I'm not particularly proud off.
Yet, I don't curse myself for having gone through them.
Given a second chance at it, of course I would strive to undo those deeds.
But deep down, I'd like to believe that those events, good or bad, were phases of 'refinement' in which I needed to go through.
To a certain degree, it was those events that has helped shape me the way I am today.
Looking back, I can only thank God for seeing me through those seasons.

I've stumbled many people at many points in my life and it ranges from many degrees.
I used to claim myself as one who was on a road of 'self-exploration'.
A phase I truly convinced I was on especially back in university.
You see, being far away from home, freedom was the biggest pull at that time.
With the freedom I possessed, I misuse it.
Freedom is a powerful thing, it can work for you or it can work against you.
I struggled to find myself and had to live with a double lifestyle.
By night I was this bad boy on the loose and by day, I found myself masking my alter-ego.
I was trying to discover who I was back then; wanting to discover what it would take to feel belong, what it would take to reach out to certain group of people, what it would feel like to be 'true' to myself...

The irony of it all is this -
As much as I convinced myself that I was on this road of 'self-exploration', the truth was that it got me nowhere at all.
Did I discover anything profound about myself or receive some sort of 'enlightenment' in the end?

No, I didn't.

Self-exploration got me nowhere, just further away from who God wanted me to be and ultimately, further away from Him.
So often, we kid ourselves with all sorts of excuses simply to run away from God.
We even dare convince ourselves with that loosely used sentence, 'it's okay what'.

Self-exploration' is one of them.
I'm not saying that self-exploration is wrong in itself.
It is not.
Likewise is drinking alcohol and so on.
"Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial".
The real question isn't so much of whether or not we can/should or cannot /should not do something, but more so of to what expense are we doing them for?

I excused my actions back then by saying to myself,
"Aiya, nevermind lar... I want to try try only ma... Exploring only... Nothing wan wert..."
When I said those words, they reflected my true motive -
It was clearly self-centred.
And the most heartbreaking moment is the point where you come head to head with the realization of what you've actually given up to be selfish -
I did what I did, said what I said, excused myself from it all at the expense of God's name.

When Paul urged the believers in Corinthians not to stumble others, he simply meant never do something at the expense of God's name.
Often, as believers, we say to one another "don't do something that may cause others to stumble".
The bigger picture isn't so much about whether we stumble the people around us or not, although it does matter significantly, but more so, whether or not in whatever we do, do we actually bring glory back to God?

If it's that, then really, it's not just about the things that we shouldn't do but also the things that we can/must do that we need to be aware of.
Paul said, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God".
Even in doing the necessities of our daily lives, we need to do them in ways that will please Him and glorify Him.
Now, isn't that a greater challenge?

A sentence that ends with '... at the expense of God's name' brings nothing but victory to Satan.
And that's exactly how it was with me.
Those "exploratory" period, as I'd call it, was nothing but an excuse for me to hide myself away from Him.
My "exploratory" periods were inward minded, satifying only the self, hence, it was a selfish act, one in which I neglected God, putting Him on a shelf while I go on my 'wild' trip.

Ah, but that's the beauty of God's grace you see.
He receives you when you come running back to Him.
And that's what I did.
It's a choice I made.
I say it's a choice I made because on His part, He has decided to wait with His arms wide open for me a long long time ago.
I just didn't listen.
It's a choice that you may face in the near future, or maybe even right now in your current circumstances.
Listen and hear Him calling unto you.

Let me end this entry with my opening statement.

I'm not the holiest person in the world.
In spite of that, He receives me, as broken as I am, in arms wide open.
He continues to restore me, change me and even right now, use me for His purpose.
And you know what's amazing?
He does all this even though He knows...


I'm not the holiest person in the world.

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The Commander

"Boys, you got em' directions clear?", the commander of the 7th troop threw his husky voice aloud to his fellow men for the final time before the battle began.

"Sir, yes, sir!", the resounding reply came from the soldiers in unison. All but one replied in confidence. That soldier, with sweat pouring down his forehead, seemed to have an air of clumsiness around him. His helmet wasn't neatly placed on his head, he wore an oversized uniform and his left shoe lace was left untied.

"What's ya' name, son?", the commander probed him sternly.

"Er... Jack.... Sir...", he answered nervously, trying his best to act calm.

"You ain't clear about em' directions, eh?"

"No... No, sir... I'm clear, sir... Just.. Just a little nervous, sir."

"Nervous? Son, let me tell ya' something about being nervous. You will forever be nervous if ya' ain't gettin' your butt into that battlefield out there. Standin' here sure won't help a thing. It will just prolong ya' fear. Answer me, do ya' trust my directions, son?

"..... I guess so, sir..."

"I guess so? Nah, son. You don't trust me. That's ya' problem. Until ya' learn to trust my directions and orders, only then will ya' be able to overcome your fears. C'mon son, have a little faith in me! Faith is what will take you from here to there!"

The commander gave the soldier a tough pat at the back and then walked off into his tent.

The soldier stood there in silence. He thought about what his commander said. He stood at ease, shifting his rifle down on the ground. From where he stood, he could see the enemies' walls standing tall and seemed almost impenetrable. He took a deep breath while he stretched his arms upwards.

Trust? How can I trust when I see my enemies' fortress standing before me every morning. Faith? In who, or what for that matter, can I place my faith? My rifle? My helmet? I'm in a war zone for goodness sake!

He took off his helmet and looked at it. There were many scratches on it, scarred by previous wars.

How long can I actually rely on this burnt out helmet of mine anyway? It's been through a lot and I don't know how much longer it will hold. Maybe commander is right. The core problem is that I don't trust. I mean, to be honest, his directions aren't the most logical ones. For pete's sake, even his route of escape seems irrational. What the heck is he thinking? Trust him?

He sat down on the ground accompanied by his rifle. The rifle seemed to give him a sense of security only but a brief moment. He stared at his rifle.

Indeed, you saved my arse one too many times. Again, I can't rely on you all the time. What happens if you ran out of bullets? What then? You've served me well, my friend, but you're just not it. You can kill my enemy but you can't kill my fear.

C'mon son, have a little faith in me! Faith is what will take you from here to there.

The voice of his commander played in his head like an old recorder. He knew deep down inside, his commander was right. He lacked faith in himself and in his commander. That's the real wall that's standing between him and his enemies' gate. So long as he trudge into war without the conviction of trust, he knew he wasn't going to last long in the battlefield. Bullets will come flying in, blood will be spilled and fear will strike the heart. Amid all this, the only rational thing to do is ironically, to do the most irrational thing - to trust and to trudge forward.

My helmet and rifle will fail me one day and that one day could be this very hour. But I am a soldier. My commander is my guide and in him I shall place my trust. Though I may be wounded as I fight my way through the enemies walls, faith is what will keep me going. The walls are closing in and the challenges ahead seem almost insurmountable. But in the stillness, I can hear him commanding, spurring, and pushing me forth into battle!

Just then, the first ray of sunlight broke the sky and touched his skin. He felt a sense of awakening and serenity beyond him. Jack stood up, embraced the sunlight and with his rifle and helmet left on the ground, he walked towards the commander's tent.

"Sir, I'm ready."

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Purpose

Is there purpose in the universe and, if so, what is its relation to the Creator?

Henry Margenau answers very definitely,
"There my argument is extremely simple.
What is the difference between cause and purpose?
Cause is determination of future events by the past.
Purpose is determination of future events by a vision of the future.
You can't have purpose unless you visualize what you want to do.
Therefore, purpose requires a mind."

(Macdowell, J.. The New Evidence That Demands a Verdict)

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Created for His purpose

About a week back, I attended my church first ever young adults! Awesome! Being the group of people that we are, the retreat served as a good break and getaway for our seemingly hectic working life. Looking back, it's been a while now since I last attended a 'church retreat'. Wah, really cannot remember when was the last time.

The theme of the retreat was “Created for His purpose”. For me, it was such an appropriate theme especially in the season that I am right now. In one of my previous entries (read here), I talked about how I find myself back at a cross road. It's been a year now since I'm in Penang and I still don't see a clear picture of where I'm heading or where I should be heading for that matter. So to me, the theme was as if God sengaja mau rub' it in on me. Sweat.

One of the biblical characters we dealt with was that big dreamer, Joseph (Genesis 37). Many a times, we are like Joseph - we have BIG dreams, dreams that may seem outrageous to others and sometimes, even beyond us. People ridicule us and some even hate us, just like Joseph’s brothers did, for having big dreams. But a vision, or dream, speaks about three things; (1.) Sight – it gives us a vivid image (2.) Future – the true manifestation of a vision is something of the future and lastly (3.) Clarity – it speaks of a clear, non double-minded, direction of what God wants us to do in our lives. We should then ask ourselves, “What is my vision?”

What are some of the passions and dreams that you have?

I find myself scribbling down 'people'. Maybe that is why I enjoy performing arts and sports. Both are fields in which I am able to relate to others in a creative and fun way.

More often than not, we keep our dreams in the closet because of the circumstances we face along the way; people reject us, we get laughed upon, the odds seemed to be going against us, etc. If we swing to the other extreme, our dreams can sometimes be self-centred as well. We become totally immersed by them that it becomes all about ‘me’ instead of all about 'Him'. As Christians, we need to have a God-centred vision, with the chief end of bringing glory back to Him while in the process, to be able to grow ourselves in maturity and ultimately sowing seeds that will impact lives for Christ.

The macho & 'lovely' men of GCC.

The most important thing about a dream or a vision is simply God. God is of the utmost importance. It’s not so much about the destination or how we get there, but it’s really just all about Him! This picture is depicted and exemplified in the life of Joseph. He had a dream/vision from God but all odds seemed to be against him – his brothers sold him, he was taken away to Egypt and was even imprisoned – in human perspective, his dream is nothing but a troublemaker. In spite of all that, Joseph never forgotten God and who He is – He is bigger than any of our dreams! God can turn trials and yes, even evil intent, into something beautiful and all this in accordance to His plans! Amazing, isn’t it?

Besides the many interesting sessions that we had, I enjoyed the time spent together as young adults. It was a great opportunity for me to share my dreams and passions while at the same time discovering their personal dreams as well. Eh, we even went to this rather unknown and secluded waterfall somewhere in the middle of Titi Kerawang. Hah! See you all didn't know Penang ada air terjun right? Hehe.

Titi Kerawang Waterfall.

Wah, the water was freezing cold.

It was great! We played a series of 'Mafia'. Wah, apparently my acting skills TOO convincing sampai people won't believe me even when I was telling the truth! Not sure if it's a good thing or not... sweat. Oh and I had my Superhero silly moments...

Superman

vs

Wolverine!

The wonders of silver coloured shining chopsticks.
:)

Having a vision is like having a set of car keys given to you. If you have the keys but you don’t get yourself into the car and drive it off, then the keys’ pretty much useless. Having a vision itself is never enough. There are a few things we need to do as Christians to be able to see through that vision. We need to firstly, discover who God is in our lives. We also then need to discover ourselves, our temperaments, our strengths and our weaknesses.

We are all created uniquely in God’s image for a specific purpose. He gave us gifts accordingly. Now is the time for us to rise up, claim that purpose in our lives, use the gifts that He has so graciously given us, live it out loud and ultimately, making God famous!

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Music

If you're a lover of music, you HAVE to WATCH this movie...

August Rush.

The movie captures the power of music through the storyline of a boy who searches his parents through, what else, music! And obviously the soundtrack and the music score for this movie is sheer genius.
It's a pretty star-studded cast; Freddie Highmore plays the lead like a veteran, amazes me how talented he is. Then there's blue-eyed Jonathan Rhys Meyers (girls, trust me, you'll go ga-ga over him... Er... Not that I went ga-ga over him lar..). Keri Russell's pretty good too and there's Robin Williams! HAH! Good, eh? :)
Apparently, this movie has been liken to that of 'Oliver' and 'Annie', but nonetheless, still a brilliant movie in its own right.

Go watch! It's actually quite an old movie... (Feringi should have. Haha).
Or can pinjam from me :)

"The music is all around us, all you have to do is listen."
(August Rush/Evan Taylor)

Now I feel like being a musician for life!

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The Bird

I find this particular passage from the book I'm currently reading very humorous while at the same time, points out a few interesting lessons.

*************************************
(Excerpt taken from 'Your Road Map For Success' by John C. Maxwell)

A canadien bird decided that it was too much trouble to fly south for the winter. He said to himself, "I can brave a winter. A lot of other animals do it. It just can't be that hard." So as all the other birds flocked away toward sunny South Africa, he stayed behind and waited for winter.

By the end of November, he was having serious second thoughts. He had never been so cold, and he couldn't find any food. Finally, he broke down and realized that if he didn't get out of there soon, he wasn't going to make it. So he started flying south all by himself. After a while, it began to rain. And before he knew it, the water was turning to ice on his wings. Struggling, he recognized that he couldn't fly any longer. He knew he was about to die, so he glided down and made his last landing, crashing to the ground in a barnyard.

As he lay there stunned, a cow came by, stepped over him, and dropped a plop right on him. He was totally disgusted. Here I am, he thought, freezing to death. I'm about to die. I'm on my last breath, and then this! What an awful way to go.

So then the bird held his breath and prepared himself to die. But after about two minutes, he discovered that a miracle was happening: He was warming up. The ice on his wings was melting. His muscles were thawing out. His blood was flowing again. He realized that he was going to make it after all. He got so excited and happy that he began to sing a glorious song.

At that moment, the farm's old tomcat was lying in the hayloft in the barn, and he heard the bird singing. He couldn't believe it; he hadn't heard anything like it for months, and he said to himself, "Is that a bird? I thought they'd all gone south for the winter."

He came out of the barn, and lo and behold, there was the bird. The cat crossed over to where he was, pulled him gently out of the cow plop, cleaned him off - and ate him.

There are three morals to this story: (1) Not everyone who drops a plop on you is your enemy; (2) not everyone who takes a plop off you is your friend; (3) if somebody does drop a plop on you, keep your mouth shut...

Some people you consider friends will fight your success. Others will support you in ways you didn't expect. But no matter which people criticize you or how they do it, don't let them take your focus off your dream.

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The many faces of a child...

Though I may come across as one who dislike children, I actually adore them to bits.
Whenever I'm back home in KL, I'd always make a point to visit my mum's child care centre.
It's fun to be around them... and er... bully them. Hehehe.

They seem to possess this power to shun away life's intricacies whenever I'm around them.
Their innocence, care-free and nonchalant attitude seems to alter the stark reality of adulthood... bringing me back to a world without worries.

Kids... you just gotta love em'.

The 'puss-in-boot' face.

The 'I'm so cute' pose. Kids these days...
Sheesh...

Big kid vs. small kid...

Small kid win lar....

Ah, can I be a kid again???

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Fear

So often we categorize our fears, pinpointing them out specifically as if it would comfort us to know that we may fear one thing but not every other thing, as if it would balance things out.
But fear is still fear, isn't it?

I've been thinking and reading on related materials and I've drawn out a conclusion about myself recently.

I am crippled by fear.

It's been exactly a year now since I last made my decision to stay on in Penang and yet, here I find myself asking the same question over again, "What am I to do here?".
A year has past and I'm back at square one.
As I retrace my steps, I find myself very much fixated to the many fears I have which has indefinitely held me back from moving forward.

The fear of failure, the fear of rejection, the fear of facing challenges, the fear of how people would perceive me; and all these fears would snowball into pride and low-self confidence.

The truth of the matter is this - I have been running away from many areas of my life simply because I'm fearful.
Yes, I am a chicken.

By the first glance of things, I would think I hadn't been heading anywhere 'productive' in the past one year. Then again, when I scrutinize each phase that I've gone through, I realize that opportunities have been given but what stopped me from ceasing those opportunities were my fears and concerns.
I hate it.
But it's true - I've been living in fear for most part of my life.

Maybe there are some past baggages in my life that I really ought to unload and move on.
Things that may have contributed to my fears.
Changing my attitude seems to be the most logical thing to do for now but the least easiest.
They say that our fears and weaknesses shouldn't stop us from moving forward, it merely acts as a guideline for us to know which route to take to get to the same destination.
Fear is an ally, if we know how to use it wisely.

For now, I need to unravel the direction in which I should be taking in my life.
Then, decide to fight my way through or chicken out again.

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